Randy Me #4

How do you break a heart? Yes, I just asked that question in case you were wondering if you heard right. How do you break a heart? See, I was in a quandary of sorts and I needed a quick fix. I knew what to do, my problem was, I did not have the heart to tell Tina that our little affair had come to an end. There was no way I was going to carry on with her after what transpired in the club. So yes, I needed to develop a steely heart fast. On my way home, mildly drunk and with my brain shutting down, I placed a call to Tolu – he is the Casanova of the lot. ‘Tolu I need a favour,’ I said when he answered the phone. ‘I need to break it off with a girl and I don’t really want to hurt her.’ His response normally would have put me off. I mean, I would have switched off the phone and continued driving; thing was I needed to be armed by the time I spoke to Tina the next day. So I waited. Tolu laughed for a while, then said sagely, ‘It’s that girl from Tunde’s party isn’t it? Yeah, I was wondering when I would hear the gist about her…’ ‘Dude, can you help me?’ I was somewhat desperate. I needed my plate cleared before the next Friday when Trisha and I had a date. So she had to go and Tolu had the panache. The problem was he was a voyeur who enjoyed living vicariously through his friends. His convoluted mind craved the stories of conquests in graphic detail. So when he said gist, he was asking for a load down on her. ‘You know I can bro, you are just being stingy. I mean you enjoy all the action, all I’m asking for is…’ ‘I’ll tell you everything on Saturday. Remember Remi has that thing…’ He thought for a while, ‘okay, I’ll help you, but if you hold out on me…’ he didn’t have to complete the threat. ‘I’ll ping you later tonight, I’m kinda busy here right now.’ The line went dead. I dropped the phone on the passenger seat angry at Tolu for almost ruining a perfect night. Almost because as soon as I dropped the phone, I could see that wonderful smile of hers again, her ample bosom and the fact that we had a private session in one of the dark recesses where all we spoke about remained in that dark recess – if you follow my drift – there was just no way I was going back. My problem then was, I couldn’t just call up Tina and tell her I was tired of screwing with her. I have a conscience people, I have never dumped a lady before, so where I excelled in picking up ladies, I failed miserably in ending things effectively with them. I just couldn’t be that callous, hence my call to Tolu. I went straight to bed when I got home and slept like a child. Thank goodness I had an alarm clock that was always an irritant every morning. I got dressed for work and got to work early. It was Monday, I was way too early and though I was feeling spunky, somewhere in my mind, I was saddened at what I was going to do that day. I read Tolu’s ping that he sent around 3a.m. tell her your girlfriend is back in town and that you are sorry but you cannot continue with her. That was all it said. At a quarter to eight, Tina sent me a chat; she was irritated that I hadn’t been chatty since dropping her off. It was a perfect time to implement Tolu’s panacea and I wasted no time. I picked my phone and dialed. She answered the call after five rings. ‘Yes?’ I could hear her annoyance. ‘I’m sorry,’ I began… ‘You are always sorry,’ she countered. ‘Please sell your sorry tale to someone who cares.’ ‘My girlfriend is back in town. She arrived yesterday morning and called me in the afternoon to tell me she had cut her trip short…’ There was a long silence on the other end. I hoped she would flare up, call me names or something, instead, she took it stride and acted matured. ‘So I was just a temporal girl right? Someone to keep you warm right? It’s okay, I hope she knows just how two-faced you are.’ The line went dead. I stood there in the office, stupefied that the breakup had gone queerly without a hitch. Whatever happened to girls throwing tantrums and fighting to stay in a dead relationship? I guessed those only happened in movies right? Throughout the day I avoided my phone like a plague and missed some important calls in the process. I couldn’t care less; I was mourning Tina, literally. I wondered if Imole had had same withdrawal pangs after dumping me. Finally I picked up my phone when I was about leaving the office, then my phone rang, it was Trisha. ‘Hello sweetie,’ she said jovial. ‘Hey you, I am just leaving the office,’ I answered. ‘Thought you should have closed too.’ She commented, ‘anyways, I just wanted to give a heads up, prepare your proposal and bring it to the office on Thursday.’ She paused a while, ‘Friday still looking good?’ That was the catch 22, what could I say? ‘Of course yes. Friday is going to be a great day.’ I knew with those words I had effectively nailed myself in. As I walked to my car, I wondered what manner of man I was evolving into. I got home late thanks to Lagos traffic, and as I parked my car and was about to switch of the headlamps, I saw her. Tina had obviously been waiting for me; I was about stepping out when she launched the large stone in her hand. It landed perfectly on my windshield and crushed it in. I got out of the car indignant as she walked toward me and the car. ‘Now we’re even.’ She didn’t even look back. I just stood there, too dazed to move. I realized then that it wasn’t only in movies that girls acted up. Then I remembered; hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…