I had abortions, now I may be barren

Dear readers

I dated this nincompoop for four years and in that four years, I had five abortions for him. The last abortion was particularly traumatic. We broke up four years ago and within a year he was married to someone else. He has two kids with his wife who is a co-worker he cheated on me with. I moved on with my life and fortunately met a great guy in 2012. I married him in early 2013 and a year later I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I went to see a doctor in December last year and after carrying out tests he asked me if I'd ever had an abortion. I initially lied but owned up after I realized how serious it was. The doctor said that I may have destroyed part of my womb but will keep treating me and I should be hopeful. I know that my ex and his wife are expecting their third child and this makes me very angry. I may never be able to have children and the cause of all this is living a fulfilling life. Short of having him killed, I don't know what else to do. The anger I feel inside is immense and I'm gradually losing my sanity. I wrote an email to my ex and copied his wife explaining what was going on with me, and they both ignored me. How do I forgive this man and myself? There's nothing I want more than to be a mum. I'm going out of my mind and I am so bitter. Can anyone help.