Why Nigeria Is The Best Country In The World

Why Nigeria Is The Best Country In The
World
Two weeks ago, I paid a visit to Dubai for the
very first time.
Dubai is everything Lagos is not.  Dubai works:
Lagos does not.  Dubai is spotlessly clean: Lagos is
filthy.  Dubai is bathed in gleaming electricity.
Lagos is shrouded in darkness. Dubai is organized.
Lagos is disorganized. After a few days in Dubai, I
longed to be back in Lagos.
What is the attraction of Lagos relative to a city like
Dubai?  The answer is actually very simple.  Lagos is
the very best city in Nigeria; the very best country
in the world.  I have traveled all over the world.  I
have been to the Far East, to the Middle East, to
North and Latin America and to Europe.  I have
been to over 30 African countries.  This qualifies me
to make this assessment. Nigeria is the very best
country in the whole wide world.
Made-in-Nigeria
There are too many things that make Nigeria
exceptional and without equal.  If Nigeria were not
so wonderful, there would not have been 170
million Nigerians.  Because Nigeria is such a great
country, we are determined to give birth to as many
children as possible so that even more people can
partake of the pleasures of living here.  We
manufacture babies by the thousands and the
millions because we are in love with the country.
Nigerians don’t commit suicide. Neither do
Nigerians ever desert Nigeria. The very worst thing
that can happen to a Nigerian is to be exiled from
the country.
Remember this: Nigeria is nobody’s colony.  We
refuse to be subject to nobody.  We are not under
the thumb of the British, the Americans or anyone
else.  Nigeria is the one African country that can be
said to be truly independent.  We have nationalized
all the nationalize-ables. We own the land.  There
is no foreign settler-community in Nigeria that
holds us captive.  We are the kings of our castles.
Our very best products are made in Nigeria. We
make our own mistakes; make our own choices and
make our own beds.
We rig our own elections.  We forge our own
passports. We buy our own lies.  We deceive our
own people.  We choose to live in the middle ages
and not in the 21st century. We choose to eat in
“bukas” and not in restaurants. We choose to eat
with our hands and not with forks and knives. We
choose to walk rather than fly.
Organised chaos
Nigerians are natural-born revolutionaries.  We like
to struggle.  We are always fighting something or
someone.  We don’t like the easy life.  That is way
too boring. We thrive when there is chaos. We
make a profit, where there is confusion.  We rise up
to the challenge, where everything is upside down.
If something is well-organised, our first assignment
is to scatter it.  That gives us room to maneuver.
We can handle chaos, but order is another problem
entirely.
Nigerians hate progress. It does not agree with
us. Some smart Alec decided to introduce traffic-
lights on our roads.  But when there are too many
cars on the road, the last things you need are
traffic-lights preventing people from going where
they want.  Traffic-lights make drivers wait, when
they should be going. That is such a waste of time.
The same goes for traffic-wardens.  When you have
them obstructing the roads, there are going to be
tailbacks. But if you want the traffic to flow, let it
be a free for all. Then you will see the ingenuity of
Nigerians.  We will climb up any and every possible
place, and convert it to super-highways.
Moreover, our roads are theaters where drama is
always enacted.  That means passers-by don’t have
to spend money buying tickets in order to watch
our plays. You can watch a very interesting TV
series just by sitting on your balcony and watching
Nigerians negotiate their way every day. In one
afternoon, you will see David killing Goliath. You
will see Mohammed Ali fighting Joe Frazier. You
will see Arnold Schwarzenegger terminating his
opponents.  You have to admit this kind of free
theater is not readily available abroad.
NEPA problem
Can you imagine a country where there is 24 hour
electricity?  That is Nigeria’s worst nightmare.  For
years, many nincompoops have tried to convince us
to improve the electricity situation in the country,
but we have wisely refused to be taken in by such
deception.  Why would we want good electricity
when most of what we do is done under the cloak of
darkness?  Why should NEPA work when there are
things that need to be hidden, including the rubbish
that have taken over our roads. Any right-thinking
person knows there are serious criminal issues in
Nigeria that should not be brought to light for the
sake of national security.
Just think about it: 24 hour NEPA.  How boring that
would be?  Nigerians would have nothing to talk
about.  We would have nothing to complain about.
We would not be able to have tales by the
moonlight. We would spend too much time
watching television.  The economy would suffer
because generator sales would plummet. Those of
us making ends meet by selling diesel would be in
trouble.  Generator repairmen, major contributors
to the economy, would go out of business.  Spare-
parts sellers would not be able to sell even good
spare-parts, how much more fake ones.  Let’s face
it; should Goodluck Jonathan succeed in improving
the problem of electricity in Nigeria, it will lose him
the next election for sure. He will not even be able
to secure the nomination of PDP, which we all know
is a party of diesel-sellers and generator repairmen.
Valuable corruption
There is so much talk about corruption.  But if there
were no corruption in Nigeria, there would be social
upheaval.  Can you imagine a corruption-free
Nigeria? Don’t even bother. It would be
disastrous. Millions would die of starvation. How
can a man sustain his family if he cannot lie, cheat
and steal?  As Nigerians, it is high time we come to
terms with who we are, instead of pretending to be
what we are not.
We are a corrupt people.  It is not just our leaders:
we are all corrupt.  We are thieves. We love to
steal.  We celebrate thieves and give them national
awards.  We recognize that stealing is an art. To be
a successful thief, you have to be skillful; you have
to be ambitious; you have to be imaginative; and
you have to be courageous.  We are criminals
because we are smart.  We bring innovation to
everything.
Nigerians know that successful thieves are men of
destiny: renowned statesmen; famous politicians;
erudite managing-directors. Therefore we eulogise
thieves.  We sing their praises.  We give them
chieftaincy awards. We give them our daughters as
third wives and concubines. We prefer them as our
presidents, governors and legislators.  Who wants
an honest man as his representative in Abuja?  That
is a sure way to ensure you will not get your share
of the national cake.
Had it not been for corruption, Nigeria would not
have survived.  Corruption is the glue that holds
the fabric of the country together.  It ensures that,
one way or another, we get paid.  It provides a
social security system.  Corruption helps us to
redistribute wealth between the rich and the poor.
The rich steal from the government; the poor steal
from the rich; and everyone is happy.  If there were
no corruption, there would have been a violent
revolution a long time ago.
You can pocket a few monies from work illegally
because nobody in his right mind expects you to be
able to afford even your transportation costs from
your meager salary.  If you are caught and
prosecuted, all you need to do is ask your mother
to come to work to plea-bargain for you.  Thanks to
corruption, we can put food on our tables.  We can
send our children to school.  We can pay for the
aso-ebi.  We can keep up with the fashion trends.
Traffic jams
There is one fundamental reason behind the traffic
situation in Nigeria. Nigerians are a wanted
people.  Therefore, we are always on the run.
Somebody somewhere is after us and we need to
make quick getaways. We are on the run from our
wives. We are on the run from our children. We
need to get away from our extended families.  But
even more urgently, we are on the run from the
law.  We are on the run from the state
government.  We don’t want to be caught by the
friend we borrowed some money from last year.
Thank God for traffic jams. Isn’t it wonderful that
you can do all your shopping while driving on the
road? How many countries do you know where you
have that kind of facility? You can even get your car
washed while on your way to work; without having
to stop or park. And if there is any problem with
your car while you are on the road, you will be
grateful that you are in Nigeria. One out of every
two Nigerian pedestrian is a London-trained
mechanic.  In case you are wondering, there is
London; and then there is Osapa-London.  You also
don’t need any GPRS in Nigeria.  Every pedestrian
knows exactly the way to where you are going. So
if you are lost, simply ask for directions and then
you will really get lost.
Conclusion
All this explains why, in spite of everything,
Nigerians are the happiest people in the world.  We
are deliriously happy. Don’t believe the lie.
Nigerians complain a lot about Nigeria.  But that
does not mean we would have Nigeria any other
way.  We complain because we love to complain. If
everything was alright about Nigeria, we would be
miserable.  Let’s face it, Nigerians love Nigeria.
Nigeria is the way it is because Nigerians love it so.
If it were not so, we would have made amends in
over 50 years of independence.
One last thing of the utmost importance: Nigeria is
the very best country in the world because in
Nigeria you will find Nigerians.