Randy Me – How It Started

It was an accident. How I came to be like this, how my life took a spiral into the deep abyss that I now reside in. Yes, I am in a deep pit and there’s precious little I can do to come up for air, or is there? It all started when I went to my favourite bar to hang out and let off steam from the week, it was Friday and the time was past seven in the evening. I sat at my favourite spot nursing my second bottle of Star Lager, watching as people milled on their way off the Island. I sat there thinking what a waste, we rush into VI in the morning and rush off in the evening: such hypocrisy. I’m always mellow when I have alcohol in me, I become a philosopher of sorts, my juices flow well and as I watched the people walk by on their way to their various homes, I sat there thinking about life and how I had gotten to the place where I was. I was still in that state when I was interrupted. ‘Can I sit with you?’ I looked up startled and there standing before me was a looker of a lady shifting from leg to leg wary of rejection. I almost point out the obvious; there were many empty seats as the bar was just getting filled. I shrugged, ‘please, I can’t sit everywhere.’ I hoped she would catch the sarcasm and leave me alone. She did the opposite. She took her seat promptly and smiled nervously at me. ‘Hi!’ She said as she took her seat and raised her hand. The waiter brought her order then, obviously she had made a pact with them, when she was seated at my table, then they could bring her drinks and pepper soup. I watched her in amazement wondering, why my table, why me? It was a question the gods neglected to answer. Everything that happened from then on was a blur, I have a limit of six bottles, I drank up the second bottle, and ordered another two. When I was done drinking, I stood with unsteady legs and blurry vision; I put my hand on the table, steadied myself, and everything reset. I could see well, my legs felt stable. I doffed my imaginary hat and said to the lady ‘evening ma’m’. She seemed sad, ‘you are running away from me shey? It’s not fair to leave a lady hanging and alone by herself.’ She went back to devouring her catfish pepper soup. Most people with half a sense would stagger away from her, but not me. I was an analyst and I was good at what I did, so I stood there and did a little analysis, I’m sure my brain cells said to go home, but ego and chivalry probably got me to sit with her and talk. What we discussed, I have no recollection of, I just recollect that we were smiling and hugging by the time we got to the car park. I made for my car but she shook her head. She had a driver who could drop me off at home before she drove home. It was a big mistake but I didn’t know then. I sat with her at the back of her jeep, the smell of her perfume wafted into my nostrils, for the first time that night, as the driver drove out, I could feel her femininity. One thing led to another and we were touching as the driver sped away. Her offer was to drop me off at my place; obviously, she had forgotten to tell the driver who drove me to her house. When I came out and saw the building I was in awe, my tipsy brain could still comprehend that no matter; there was one place in Lagos that could have such a house at the moment – Lekki. I started back for the car; I was stopped by the mysterious lady that I had become somewhat wary of. I live in Surulere, I think this is a long way from home. The effects of the Star Lager were clearing fast. She smiled amiably. ‘I know, I just felt that in your condition, driving is not advisable. Besides I have a very good hangover remedy. You’ll love me in the morning’. That or something like that was what she said. Like I said, I don’t remember much of what happened that night. It was the morning after that all cleared. Yes the morning after, I spent the night at her place. It was when I woke and found myself in a strange but comfy bed that my head reeled. Then I noticed her sleeping naked beside me and I jumped out of the bed. I found I was naked too and grabbed the top bed cover wrapped it around my body and made a search of the room. She stretched lazily in bed, ‘going somewhere?’ I turned round to face her, ‘where are my clothes?’ ‘So you were going to leave without saying goodbye? What kind of man does that? Have sex with a woman all night and run off first thing in the morning?’ I stood there in her bed clothes aghast. I had no recollection of doing anything, I remember the touching in the jeep, but that was all. I was still in my shocked state when she pointed out a drawer my clothes were in. Every item had been dry-cleaned. ‘Sheriff will take you to the club so you can retrieve your car and go home.’ I started to protest. ‘Oh, shush! She got out of bed all naked and if I hadn’t dressed up, I might actually have had a session I remember with her. I looked at her lustfully. She smiled; My husband doesn’t think I can make a man’s blood rush. Husband? My head reeled. ‘You are married?’ I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had just committed fornicated with another man’s wife! Damn and I was still coveting her. I started out of the room not waiting for an answer, then stopped, ‘out of curiosity, what is your name?’ ‘Abisoye. Abisoye Leigh Mrs.’ There was a mischievous smile on her face. I left the building, her driver took me to the club and I got into my car and drove home. On the way home I made a silent pact to not drink again. That sounded a bit rash, so I promised myself no more than two bottles. What I didn’t know was that there was a cosmic joke running, and I was the butt of it. If only I knew…